The world, it could be argued, is divided into thems that read on the toilet and thems that don’t. To be fair a tendency for throne reading is largely dictated by chromosomes, because this is a battle of the sexes to rank with control of the thermostat and possession of the TV remote. Those on the Y side of the divide know the sort of thing that works in the khazi, i.e. nothing literally or figuratively heavy, books that are easy to dip into, are amusing in short bursts and you don’t mind if they get knocked into the sink, or worse.

Anyway it’s now the run up to Christmas, the time of year when when, like mushrooms in September or mayflies in, er, May, they appear overnight in their millions only to disappear just as quickly once the January sales are done with. These then, are “giftbooks”, as opposed to the book as gift and are almost never consumed by the purchaser. Indeed, the thought of someone buying their own giftbook is a lonely Christmas image to rank with the eating of a ready made turkey dinner for one.

Being generous, such giftbooks are hit and miss affairs. For every wonderful Schott’s Miscellany with which to delight your family and friends, there’s an eggy cash in, or worse yet another Grumpy Old Something Or Other, guaranteed to create another grumpy old something or other round my way. Help is at hand because Danny Baker and Danny Kelly’s Classic Football Debates Settled Once And For All and The Have I Got News For You Guide To Modern Britain bear the hallmark of quality and can confidently be bought sight unseen for the toilet reading man in your life.

The two Dannies are for sure self consciously self satisfied, but to be fair they have plenty to be self satisfied about. Danny Kelly is the only thing that could persuade a sentient human being to tune into Talksport and Danny Baker is a radio natural of many years standing with a core following of cognoscenti. Together they would, for initiates, rival Stephen Fry as the fantasy dinner table company of choice. Or at least a fantasy trip down the boozer .

Having invented the football phone in and “hilarious” football DVD, both could be accused of having spawned a hideous monster, but their own programmes were always a brilliantly funny way to kill time. However, the formula relies on their wit and personality and refuses to be adaptable for use by lesser lights. Unfortunately this has not stopped an entire industry or two from trying. Thus we have all suffered.

To place them on ignore for having created this mess would mean missing out, because Baker & Kelly inhabit a world at the polar extreme from the inanities of 606 and its “join the debate” nonsense. Although fiercely intelligent they refuse to talk down to the audience and the audience often responds by being in tune and very funny themselves. How often can you say that about other audiences on other radio stations?

Classic Football Debates is, as ever with Baker & Kelly, about the minutiae of football, never about players and tactics and inter club “banter”. In lesser hands this is boring nostalgia such as appears on all those useless list shows on late night telly. In their hands it is familiar, smile-inducing and occasionally laugh out loud funny.

Anyone who has followed their radio shows over the years (and who else would be interested?) will recognise this as a greatest hits of sorts, but even so I defy anyone not to raise a titter at the rerun of the Wooden Bow-tie of Dundee. If no titter is raised you are dead, or perhaps dead to me.

Have I Got News For You is of course an old standard, a cherished stalwart and on occasion saviour of the BBC schedules. Fans should be able to assume that if their Guide to Modern Britain has been written with love and care and without the eggy whiff of a “brand extension” that it will be satisfying. It has been and it is.

I don’t detect a great deal of Merton lunacy to offset the Hislop satire and The HIGNFY Guide To Modern Britain is, as a result, more Private Eye than Spike Milligan. If anything it is the spiritual inheritor of any number of Alan Coren books. No bad thing. He was after all a master producer of the Christmas giftbook. The common denominator with the Baker & Kelly book is unabashed intelligence and not talking down to its audience. Although The HIGNFY Guide To Modern Britain is a cash-in, it is a loving cash-in.

Both The Guide To Modern Britain and Classic Football Debates will live only as long as the gift giving season, but for that time buy without fear for a favoured boyfriend/brother/husband/uncle/dad, who will dip in. Laugh. Then forget about it. Thus the world is made a little better for their presence. Arf.

Appearing at a toilet near you from Dec 26.

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